If you are here to defend adam sessler, and if you like him or his show in any way, I hate you.

This is really an explanation for my undying hatred of TechTV's Xplay and why I think it is gayer than Jack from NBC's Will and Grace.  This rant was inspired by an article from EGM, where they said one of the top ways to tell if you are a hardcore gamer is if "you watch TechTV's extended play...even though you hate it."

To start, I just want to describe the feeling I get from watching this show. It's something between having my genitals assaulted by a rabid animal, and having to kick a soccer ball with the pointy end of a nail jammed under my toenail. With a plethora of s***ty reviews, a host that has piss poor taste in games (and an even worse sense of humor), and a knack for picking out games that no one gives a f*** about, this show redefines badness in a way that could only be paralleled by an epidemic of syphilis and genital herpes.

It pains me to see that a decent network such as TechTV would actually pay someone to write these reviews. I'm hard pressed to find one that I agree with that wasn't pretty much ripped from another site. For Xplay, reviewing a game seems to mean either wait until gamespot reviews a game, and then take that to the closest Xplay equivalent, or give the game a three. The inconsistency of the reviews themselves really is appalling. In a ton of cases, perfectly good games are given less than stellar numbers based on the fact that they arent "original," which is fine as long as that is the bar by which all games are judged (though i have my beef with rating this way since if you really judged by originality no fps, racing games, sports games, etc. would ever really deserve a high score). However, Xplay doesnt adhere to this rule. When they describe their rating system, a 2 is a game that is pretty fun, but has been seen already. So where the hell is that 2 when rating GTA:VC? It's the exact same game we've seen before for another fifty dollars...but it gets a 5? How can a game get a 5 twice? Think that's bad? What about Capcom vs. Snk 2 Eo? A game that has been seen before and is 2 years old gets a five? Someone tell me how a 2 year old game could possibly still be a perfect game without completely throwing out Moore's law. I'm not saying these are bad games, but they are far from original. Then there is a game like Arc the Lad: Twilight of the Spirits, which gets a mediocre 3. And what for you might ask? Because it isn't an original.

Next there is Adam Sessler. The most insulting thing I could say about Adam sessler is that not even Adam Sessler likes Adam Sessler. Sessler's taste is games is an enigma. How the hell could someone so obsessed with platformers be the host of a TV...well s***, scratch that. How the hell could someone so obsessed with platformers be over the age of 10? His love for these games results in misleading ratings on the genre, as well as decreased numbers for games of other genres. If Sly Cooper and Rayman were really some of the best games out there, then I would quit playing games and pick up a new craft...maybe pottery making. Anyway, platformers are for little kids and I have had about enough of seeing these games get better scores than they deserve. Then of course, there is Sessler's dislike of RPGs, which results in skewed reviews for games that aren't obviously 5s. Basically, if we aren't talking a Square-Enix game here, then the game won't get a fair review, and thus will be less likely to sell. So far, this section just looks like Adam Sessler and BrokenController simply have different taste of game genres. But the difference in game choice is far from the only beef i have with Adam Sessler. The man is not funny...on any level...at all...period. Adam Sessler is the guy that takes jokes a step too far. Adam Sessler is the guy that makes that obvious joke that no one else bothers with. Couple those to a complete lack of comprehension of how to use sarcasm correctly, and you have the most un-funny individual in the history of humanity.

My final problem with Xplay is the fact that they go out of their way to find s***ty games I've never heard of, and then tell me how bad they are. It's like if you were walking around with someone, and then that person points out maybe something like a large woman wearing inappropriately revealing clothing. Had that person never pointed out that woman, you would have remained blissfully unaware of their existance. That's how i feel about half of Xplay's reviews. Had Xplay not pointed out these hideous blotches of game design, I never would have seen them anyway. For example, I am looking right now on Xplay's website, and have found the game Ikaruga. I've never f***ing heard anything about this game, but it apparently was sooooo important that I know it was a 3. A 3? Who gives a s*** about a 3 game? If anything, go find obscure games that are actually good. Surprise me. Don't bother telling me f***ing Wind Waker is a five game either, F***ING EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.  If anything, tell me when a game that is supposed to be good sucks ass. All I'm asking is that someone maybe show that some sort of logic went into the setup of this show, cause it sure as hell doesn't look like it.

One last thing I really feel I need to mention is the quote: